There are many behaviors that Kayla exhibits in public that I have come to ignore or brush off. Hand flapping, wearing headphones, covering her ears when it is loud, bringing her dolls everywhere, not filtering what she says…. those I can handle with ease. But there is one behavior that always makes me feel like the “bad parent”— the parent whose kid is appearing to ignore an adult who is talking to them. For instance, an adult will say “Hello, my name is….” and Kayla will look at the ground and walk away. How do you explain that?
After all, Kayla is verbal and looks like any other 9 year-old child. In fact, the only difference you might see is that she wears braces and might have her headphones on. But wearing headphones is typical these days. Call it autism, anti-social skills, or anxiety, but Kayla has a lot of difficulty looking at people, saying hi, and sometimes even acknowledging someone’s presence. It can take Kayla a very long time to develop relationships with people. Even once she has a solid relationship with someone, on a bad day she can still struggle with conversation.
When Kayla doesn’t respond to an adult, sometimes I will remind her what to say and/or give her a cue about how to respond. My success rate is about 75%. Granted, there might be no eye contact (let alone her body facing the direction of the person speaking to her), but it is some recognition. The times she doesn’t respond I will apologize to the individual and tell them that Kayla has some special needs and we are working on her social skills. I will also follow-up with Kayla and discuss with her how to respond differently next time.
It is a huge success when Kayla says hi to someone, a bigger success when she gives someone a hug. That means she has developed a connection with them. Admittedly, it might have taken years for her to get to that point, but that is still a huge gain. It also shows the patience, kindness, and persistence of the individual on the reciprocating end. Because that is usually what it takes for Kayla to engage with someone: persistency and repetition.
My hope is that the more we practice with Kayla, the better it will get. In an ideal world, she would be acknowledging all social interactions. I realize that Kayla’s world is a bit different, and her learning curve seems to run a little slow in some areas. But she will get there; it just might take her a little longer.